Ways To Avoid a Good Southern Ass-Whuppin'

1. Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

2. Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

3. We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.

4. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called "Drink." Nobody gives a flying rat's ass whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever...it's still a Drink. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass-kicking.

5. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g.,Eudora Welty, Tennessee Williams, William Faulkner); most of us are also better educated, and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick your ass.

6. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam Walton, Oprah, Turner Broadcasting, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment. If you keep reminding us of the fact, we will kick your ass.

7. Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

8. Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, John Luther, Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy Ray, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.

9. Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended -- with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

10. Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hell-holes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

11. Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.

12. Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OURscenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor or Lake Erie.

13. Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

14. So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore or Boston. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

15. Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our cooking, and you will go home in a pine box... minus your ass!

 

 

 

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Date Last Updated: 1st July 2008