Nominate SydesJokes for a social media award in the Shorty Awards humor category

Follow SydesJokes on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SydesJokes

GoViral - Please click the clip.

One Liners

 

1. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

2. Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects.

3. If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

4. Terrorist memo: Bush is listening. Use big words.

5. The universe is a figment of its own imagination.

6. A chrysanthemum by any other name would be much easier to spell

7. The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.

8. The value of a dog is its constant reminder of how much fun it is to act idiotic.

9. There is no future in time travel.

10. Light bulb's love declaration: I love you a whole watt!

11. I used to eat a lot of natural foods, until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

12. This country is rapidly proving to be a place with two cars in every garage, neither of them paid for.

13. Spring is wonderful. It makes you feel young enough to do all the things you're old enough, to know you can't.

14. The formula for a happy marriage is the same as for living in California: when you find a fault, don't dwell on it.

15. If I begin to procrastinate today instead of tomorrow, would that be considered self-improvement?

16. I sure miss the days when someone else pumped your gas and checked your tires for you. . . .and it was even cheaper back then.

17. The poor person eats potato soup; the rich person, vichyssoise.

18. If you can't read this, you're illiterate.

19. There is no elevator to success, you have to take the stairs.

20. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall but winter didn't look too promising.

21. Women like silent men; they think they're listening.

22. It's okay to have nothing to say . . . unless you're talking.

23. Should we call real life the Outernet?

24. One of the most popular winter sports is taking a plane to Florida.

25. The only thing a man's good for, he's not very good at.

26. Harp: A nude Steinway.

27. They say dollar bills carry germs on them. Even a germ couldn't live on a dollar these days.

28. There are three stages of men's hair: parted, unparted and departed.

29. If you can't see the bright side of life, there's nothing to do but keep polishing the dull side.

30. Did you ever notice how the word "marriage" is one vocal inflection away from mirage?

31. Nature does her best to teach us. The more we overeat, the harder she makes it for us to get close to the table.

32. One very fine thing about real life, it gets my mind off all that suffering on television.

33. Russia offers to oversee Iran's nuclear development? Is this the same Russia of Chernobyl fame?

34. The test of courage comes when we are in the minority. The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority.

35. If you want a spouse who is smart, rich and devoted, you're gonna have to get married three times.

36. I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

37. There is only one thing worse then the flu season ... the tax season. You can recover from the flu.

38. The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of a new car.

39. I'm so old, I can remember a time when we actually had three branches of federal government.

40. Save a little money each month and at the end of the year, you'll be surprised at how little you have.

 

 

Email to a friend

Date Site Last Updated: 6th August 2011