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French Jokes
Q: How many Frenchman does it take to guard Paris?
A: Nobody knows, its never been tried before
Map of France
Q: Why does the French flag have Velcro?
A: So the blue and red sections are easily removed during a time of war.
The French Tennis Open for this year has been canceled due to a national crisis. They have plenty of rackets... but no balls!!
Q: What is the most useful thing in the French Army?
A: A rearview mirror, so they can see the war.
French Homeland Security
Q: What is the first thing the French Army teaches at basic training?
A: How to surrender in at least 10 languages.
Naval conference
A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included admirals from the US, British, Canadian, Australian, and French Navies.
At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a group of half dozen or so officers that included personnel from most of the countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks, but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked: "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences, rather than speaking French?"
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied:
"Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies, and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."
It got so quiet, you could have heard a pin drop.
Q: How do you say hello in French?
A: "I Surrender."
French Customs
An elder American absent mindedly arrived at French customs at Paris airport and fumbled for his passport.
"You have been to France before Monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.
The ancient Yank admitted that he had been to France before.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready for inspection," snapped the irate official.
The American said that the last time he came to France he did not have to show his passport.
"Impossible, old man. You Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France."
The old American gavethe Frenchman a long hard look. "I assure you, young man, that when I came ashore on Omaha Beach in Normandy on D Day in 1944, there was no Frenchman on the beach asking to see my passport!"
Q1: What color is the American flag?
A1: Red, White, and Blue.
Q2: What color is the British flag?
A2: Red, White, and Blue.
A3: What color is the French flag?
A3: White.
Q: How do you confuse a French Soldier?
A: Give him a rifle and ask him to shoot it.
Q: Why do the French have glass bottom boats in their Navy?
A: To see all their other ships.
French Military History
Q: Why does Nike like the French Army?
A: Because, in war time, they are the biggest buyers of running shoes.
Q: What do you call a French man killed defending his country?
A: I don't know either, its never happened!
Q: What's the shortest book ever written?
A: French War Heroes.
Fireworks
French officials have announced that they will be banning fireworks at Euro-Disney effective immediately after a recent fireworks display caused a nearby French Army camp to surrender.
Q: What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
A: The Army
Q: You are approached by three men while walking down a dark city street. One British, one American, one French. They all seem intent on mugging you. However, you have a gun, but alas, only two bullets. What do you do?
A: Shoot the Frenchman twice. Good day!
Statue of Liberty
Raise your right hand if you like the French ... raise both hands if you are French.
Q: Why do the French never perform 'the wave' at a soccer game?
A: Because, that’s a gesture reserved for use only in time of war.
Q: What's the difference between toast and Frenchmen
A: You can make soldiers out of toast!
French Accent
When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor.
At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle.
"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"
"A penis," replied Madame deGaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer...and no one knew what to say next.
Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Mon cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!'"
Q: How many gears in a French tank?
A: Six, five reverse and one forward in case they are attacked from behind.
Is God french
Q: What’s the new French flag look like?
A: A white cross emblazoned on a white background!
Q: Why did the French plant trees along the Champs Elysees?
A: So the Germans could march in the shade.
The Official Magazine of the French Military
The French
An American is having breakfast, in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"
American (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The American listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
American: "Of Course."
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to the states."
After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"
Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.
American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France."
Ted Nugent on the French
Ted Nugent, a heavy metal guitar legend and devoted (bow) hunter, was being interviewed by a French journalist. Eventually, the conversation turned to his love of outdoor pursuits. The journalist asked, "What do you think the last thought is in the head of a deer before you shoot it? Is it, `Are you my friend?` or maybe `Are you the one who killed my brother?'"
Nugent replied, "They aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next? Who am I going to screw next? and, Can I run fast enough to get away? They are very much like the French in that way."
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Date Site Last Updated: 6th August 2011
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