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Fourth of July Special

Joke # 1

First US Flag

First US Flag

Fourth_of July Rockette

Franklin BBQ #1

Franklin BBQ #2

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Joke # 2

Cherry Tree

Teacher: "Why did Washington chop down the cherry tree
         with his hatchet?"

Student: "Because his mom wouldn't let him play with
         the chain saw!"

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Joke # 3

Where was Declaration of Independence written?

Teacher: "The Declaration of Independence was written
         in Philadelphia. True or false?"

Student: "False! It was written in ink!"

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Joke # 4

We are all free

The Fourth of July weekend was coming up, and the nursery
school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about 
patriotism. "We live in a great country," she said. "One of
the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we
are all free."

One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the
room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said. . . .
"I'm not free. I'm four." 

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Joke # 5

Who the Declaration of Independence?

Teacher: "Which son of old Virginia wrote the
         Declaration of Independence?"

Student: "I think it was Thomas Jeffer's son."

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Q: What happened as a result of the Stamp Act?
A: The Americans licked the British!

Q: Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston
   to Lexington?
A: Because the horse was too heavy to carry!

Q: Why did the British cross the Atlantic?
A: To get to the other tide!

Q: Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
A: Yeah, it cracked me up!

Q: What was General Washington's favourite tree?
A: The infantry!

Q: What dance was very popular in 1776?
A: Indepen-dance!

Q: Which one of Washington's officers had the best
   sense of humour?
A: Laughayette!

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Joke # 6

Signed

Teacher: "Where was the Declaration of Independence
         signed?"

Student: "On the bottom!"

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Joke # 7

Independence Day

The Americans celebrated their Independence Day. A world-
famous artist had been commissioned to paint a fresco that
would depict the glorious 200-year history of the USA.
When the cloth was pulled off the 100 ft by 10 ft artwork
an evil silence fell to the crowd. The fresco depicted a
prairy, in the middle of which steamed a huge pile of
dung. The scene was otherwise filled with romping indians.

In the name of US democracy the artist was allowed three
minutes to explain himself.

"Surely you all remember General Custer's last words",
the artist began: "Holy shit! F#¤king indians all over!"

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Joke # 8

Declaration Of Independence Reply

The Court of King George III
London, England

July 10, 1776

Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Dear Mr. Jefferson:

We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with
great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable
undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious
consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole
fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals
to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for
further refinement. The questions which follow might assist
you in your process of revision:

1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws
of Nature and Nature`s God." What are these laws? In what
way are they the criteria on which you base your central
arguments? Please document with citations from the recent
literature.

2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of
mankind." Whose polling data are you using? Without specific
evidence, it seems to us the "opinions of mankind" are a
matter of opinion.

3. You hold certain truths to be "self-evident." Could you
please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then
it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate
supporting statis tics.

4. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be
the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals.
If you were to say that "among these is the ability to sustain
an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at
last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to
print news without outside interference, and to raise the
average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10
years," these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.

5. You state that "Whenever any Form of Government age? becomes
destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to
alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government"
Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives?
What are the trade-off considerations?

6. Your description of the existing situation is quite
extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the
statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement
needs improvement.

7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at
all. You state that the colonies "ought to be Free and
Independent States," and that they are "Absolved from All
Allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change to
achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What
specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How
long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in
these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How
cost-effective are your strategies?

8. Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for
implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided
the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory
committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of
the principal investigators.

9. You must include an reviewuation design. We have been
requiring this since Queen Anne`s War.

10. What impact will your problem have? Your failure to
include any assessment of this inspires little confidence
in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.

11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized
budget, and manpower utilization matrix.

We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your
"Declaration of Independence." We welcome the submission of
your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals
is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will
be required.

Sincerely,

Management Analyst to the British Crown

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Joke # 9

Notice of Revocation of Independence

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and
other territories including New Jersey. Her Sovereign
Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties
over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime
minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of
you who have until now been unaware that there is a world
outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the
Senate will be disbanded.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency,
the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunc-
iation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you
have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise
your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler
noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable
and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Austra-
lian accents. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem,
"God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out
task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up
half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is
only one kind of football. What you refer to as American
"football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who
are aware that there is a world outside your borders may
have noticed that no on else plays "American" football.
You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should
instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best
if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to
play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but
does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are
hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using
nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of
you who were not aware that there is a world outside your
borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have
never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th
will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It
will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and
it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you
will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us
crazy.

11. Arrest Mel Gibson for treason

12. Enjoy warm flat beer and steak and kidney pudding.
Train waitresses to be more aggressive with customers and
not to tell you their names before you eat.

13. All members of this British Crown Dependency will be
required to take six weeks annual vacation and observe
statutory tea breaks.

14. Driving on the left is now compulsory - recall all
cars to effect the change immediately.

15. Report to our Consulate General in NY - M Wragg - for
your new passport and job allocation.

16. Have Meg Ryan report to the Prince Andrews Bedchamber.

17. Add the Royal insignia to the top of the Washington
Monument - and the Queens Christmas speeches to the Lincoln
Memorial.

18. Stop referring to the World Series of Baseball and
instead call it the National Series of USA, Cuba and Japan.

19. Learn at least the first 4 lines of "God Save The Queen"

20. All national law-enforcement will de-arm and surrender
all weapons to the Queens Colony Constabulary and assume
operating control under the direction of the Lord High
Constable of The American Colonies and its Territories.

21. The American Armed Forces will be reorganized and renamed
as Her Majesty's Royal Guard.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with
you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due
(backdated to 1776).

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Joke # 10

Who signed the Declaration of Independence?

A Kentucky teacher was quizzing her students. "Johnny,
who signed the Declaration of Independence?" 

He was older than some of the others. He said, " if I
know." 

She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told
him to go home and to bring his father with him when
he came back. 

Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back
of the room to observe, as the teacher requested. She
started back in on her quiz and finally got back to the
boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who signed the
Declaration of Independence?" 

"Well, hell, teacher," Johnny said, "I told you I didn't
know." 

The father jumped up in the back, pointed a stern finger
at his son, and said, "Johnny, if you signed that thing,
you damn well better own up to it!" 

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Q: What did Washington say as he crossed the Delaware?
A: "Next time I'm going to reserve a seat!"

Q: What has four legs, a shiny nose, and fought for
   England?
A: Rudolph the Redcoat Reindeer!

Q: What would you get if you crossed a monster with a
   redcoat?
A: A bigger target.

Q: Why did the British soldiers wear red coats?
A: So they could hide in the tomatoes.

Q: What did King George think of the American
   colonists?
A: He thought they were revolting!

Q: What ghost haunted King George III?
A: The spirit of '76!

Q: Did you hear about the cartoonist in the Continental
   Army?
A: He was a Yankee doodler!

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Your own Firework Display

http://www.kidskonnect.com/FourthofJuly/LadyLiberty/liberty_dl.htm

Click on the background for fireworks! The more you
click, the more you get!

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4th July Flash

http://www.superlaugh.com/july/4th.swf

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Patriotic painting in 2 1/2 minutes

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P93WjP8m3GM&mode=related&search

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Date Site Last Updated: 6th August 2011